"Where are you?"
"I'm here only - in Pune."
"Tch! That I know! But - I mean - where are you? No calls, nothing!"
"Oh I have been busy!"
"Please haan! You live in a gaon! You cannot be that busy!"
"Yes yes! But people who live in a gaon also work no?"
"Whatever! God knows why you went all the way to what's that place called? Ack ack-something."
"It's Akurdi."
"Haan! That only! Akurdi! So difficult to pronounce, must be even more of a hassle to stay in, no?"
"Not really."
"Haan haan! Obviously, you'll say that only-"
"Accha, you tell me: Why did you call?"
"What do you mean? Why did I call?"
"Well, you don't call just like that you know."
"How mean! Of course I can. I do that all the time!"
"Calling up just like that? Really?"
"Yes! I have called you up so many times - just like that!"
"Well, the last time you called me you wanted gossip about so-and-so."
"I asked about him!"
"Which is one and the same thing - when it comes to you."
"Of course! If I call you just like that doesn't mean I can't ask about him, can I?
"Well, but that was a month ago!"
"What are you saying? I called you so often! But I never got through!"
"Which is hard for me to believe because apart from you and another two or three, no one calls me."
"See? This is what happens when you stay in a gaon!"
"What happens now?"
"You don't get a signal!"
"What rubbish!"
"Arrey! Seriously! If you stay in a gaon like Acksomething something-"
"It is Akurdi!"
"Haan haan! That only! Akurdi! If you stay there, all the signals will give you a miss."
"Okay enough now! Tell me why you called."
"Guess guess?"
"You had sex?"
"Shee baba! What a horrible fellow you've become!"
"What's so horrible about sex?"
"Shut up there! I'll only tell you why I called: I am getting married!"
"For sure?"
"One slap you'll get now!"
"Well, the last time you were to marry, you know what happened."
"What happened?"
"Well, a week before the wedding, you told the guy to get lost."
"Oh that Rohan? Well he was fit for nothing."
"In that case, you two made a perfect couple!"
"Tch! You no? Such a nasty fellow you are."
"Just telling the truth. And then there was Malcolm whom you-"
"Okay enough enough. Now there's Rueben!"
"Ah! Rueben! He'll live to rue the day! Hahaha!"
"Finished? Hmm? Are you done making fun of me?"
"Haha! okay sorry sorry; so where are you getting married then?"
"Willingdon gymkhana!"
"My my! Aren't we very posh and all?"
"Totally!"
"So what time is the mass?"
"Mass? What mass?"
"Arrey? The wedding mass? What time is it and what church?"
"Ah that! There's no church wedding."
I swallowed.
"What did you just say?"
"Oh I am not having a church wedding."
"Why?"
"Oh it's such a big hassle!"
"Is it now?"
"Oh yes yes! You have to go for marriage preparation classes. Then you have to go meet this priest. Then that priest. Then you have to look for witnesses. Blah blah blah. It's so complicated!"
"So what simple format are you marrying with?"
"Court marriage!" she squealed the way a school girl does when she discovers she's the main attraction, "Very simple! It takes just ten minutes!"
"That sounds easy."
"Of course it is! It's damn easy to marry outside the church."
"And equally easy to separate outside the church too."
She did not expect me to say so. And neither did I! So quite obviously, the shock of that having been said offered a brief but noticeable silence as my words disappeared down the telephone and into her ears.
"Hello?"
"Yes yes! I am here. There's no need to shout!"
"But I wasn't even-"
"Look okay? You don't need to tell me what to, and what not, to do. I know very well what to do."
"Which is marrying outside the church. Of course, who am I to judge?"
"See? You already judged me."
"I did not!"
"Of course you did!"
"How?"
"You said who am I to judge you? That's as good as saying you are all set to go to hell!"
"See where you go is your business, really. I don't care. As long as you don't drag me there that is."
"Okay okay! Just tell me you're coming for the wedding."
"Yes I am. If it's in Willingdon gymkhana, I definitely will attend."
"Despite my marrying outside the church haan?"
"Who am I to judge!"
"Okay bye now! Too much only you're!"
"Haha! See you then! Buh-bye!"
"I'm here only - in Pune."
"Tch! That I know! But - I mean - where are you? No calls, nothing!"
"Oh I have been busy!"
"Please haan! You live in a gaon! You cannot be that busy!"
"Yes yes! But people who live in a gaon also work no?"
"Whatever! God knows why you went all the way to what's that place called? Ack ack-something."
"It's Akurdi."
"Haan! That only! Akurdi! So difficult to pronounce, must be even more of a hassle to stay in, no?"
"Not really."
"Haan haan! Obviously, you'll say that only-"
"Accha, you tell me: Why did you call?"
"What do you mean? Why did I call?"
"Well, you don't call just like that you know."
"How mean! Of course I can. I do that all the time!"
"Calling up just like that? Really?"
"Yes! I have called you up so many times - just like that!"
"Well, the last time you called me you wanted gossip about so-and-so."
"I asked about him!"
"Which is one and the same thing - when it comes to you."
"Of course! If I call you just like that doesn't mean I can't ask about him, can I?
"Well, but that was a month ago!"
"What are you saying? I called you so often! But I never got through!"
"Which is hard for me to believe because apart from you and another two or three, no one calls me."
"See? This is what happens when you stay in a gaon!"
"What happens now?"
"You don't get a signal!"
"What rubbish!"
"Arrey! Seriously! If you stay in a gaon like Acksomething something-"
"It is Akurdi!"
"Haan haan! That only! Akurdi! If you stay there, all the signals will give you a miss."
"Okay enough now! Tell me why you called."
"Guess guess?"
"You had sex?"
"Shee baba! What a horrible fellow you've become!"
"What's so horrible about sex?"
"Shut up there! I'll only tell you why I called: I am getting married!"
"For sure?"
"One slap you'll get now!"
"Well, the last time you were to marry, you know what happened."
"What happened?"
"Well, a week before the wedding, you told the guy to get lost."
"Oh that Rohan? Well he was fit for nothing."
"In that case, you two made a perfect couple!"
"Tch! You no? Such a nasty fellow you are."
"Just telling the truth. And then there was Malcolm whom you-"
"Okay enough enough. Now there's Rueben!"
"Ah! Rueben! He'll live to rue the day! Hahaha!"
"Finished? Hmm? Are you done making fun of me?"
"Haha! okay sorry sorry; so where are you getting married then?"
"Willingdon gymkhana!"
"My my! Aren't we very posh and all?"
"Totally!"
"So what time is the mass?"
"Mass? What mass?"
"Arrey? The wedding mass? What time is it and what church?"
"Ah that! There's no church wedding."
I swallowed.
"What did you just say?"
"Oh I am not having a church wedding."
"Why?"
"Oh it's such a big hassle!"
"Is it now?"
"Oh yes yes! You have to go for marriage preparation classes. Then you have to go meet this priest. Then that priest. Then you have to look for witnesses. Blah blah blah. It's so complicated!"
"So what simple format are you marrying with?"
"Court marriage!" she squealed the way a school girl does when she discovers she's the main attraction, "Very simple! It takes just ten minutes!"
"That sounds easy."
"Of course it is! It's damn easy to marry outside the church."
"And equally easy to separate outside the church too."
She did not expect me to say so. And neither did I! So quite obviously, the shock of that having been said offered a brief but noticeable silence as my words disappeared down the telephone and into her ears.
"Hello?"
"Yes yes! I am here. There's no need to shout!"
"But I wasn't even-"
"Look okay? You don't need to tell me what to, and what not, to do. I know very well what to do."
"Which is marrying outside the church. Of course, who am I to judge?"
"See? You already judged me."
"I did not!"
"Of course you did!"
"How?"
"You said who am I to judge you? That's as good as saying you are all set to go to hell!"
"See where you go is your business, really. I don't care. As long as you don't drag me there that is."
"Okay okay! Just tell me you're coming for the wedding."
"Yes I am. If it's in Willingdon gymkhana, I definitely will attend."
"Despite my marrying outside the church haan?"
"Who am I to judge!"
"Okay bye now! Too much only you're!"
"Haha! See you then! Buh-bye!"
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